First deal with emotions, then the stuff
by Harriet Edleson, AARP, August 8, 2019 | Comments: 0
Gael Conrad, Corbis / Getty Images Plus
En español | The nest is empty, the mortgage is paid off and you’re thinking of moving to a smaller home.
Wherever you go — across the country or across town — retirees, or those headed toward retirement, will not be alone in seeking change.
In fact, almost 4 in 10 retirees have moved, according to a 2018 Transamerica Center for Retirement Research report. And among retirees that made a recent move, 51 percent downsized, according to a Merrill Lynch study. Downsizing and dismantling a home filled with possessions from the past 20 or 30 years can be emotionally difficult, experts say.
“Items can be sentimental or there can be some other important meaning to them,” says David Mischoulon, director of the Depression Clinical Research Program at Massachusetts General Hospital. Just finding old cards or letters can trigger memories that overwhelm, experts say. Though downsizing is not an area that’s been formally studied, it is a life transition. .
“There are certain developmental milestones as we go through life,” says psychiatrist Gary W. Small, founding director of the University of California at Los Angeles Memory Clinic and director of the UCLA Center on Aging. Finding a livelihood, finding a mate and having a family are among them. “For a large part of our life we’re building, creating, amassing,” Small says. “When we’re downsizing we’re going in the opposite direction. We don’t need as much space; there’s an empty nest.”
AP Photo/Richmond Times-Dispatch, John Mahoney
Tune into a two-part webinar from AARP on Aug. 13 and 15 at 7 p.m. ET. with clean-up expert and TV personality Matt Paxton, featured on the A&E series Hoarders. Part 1 covers managing emotions we attach to physical items. Part 2 focuses on locating important documents and how to declutter digitally.
Changing direction can create unease or feelings of sadness, grief, even anxiety. “Your life is contracting,” Small says. “A lot of people don’t like that.”
If the move is a good one, the transition and feelings that go with it will be faster, Mischoulon says. There are ways to think about the process that can make it easier, even exciting. For example, if you “think of downsizing as a new adventure,” Small says, you are more likely to enjoy it.
Being part of the process is the key to a good outcome.
Downsizing tends to be more successful when the downsizers are making a conscious decision about how they want to live their lives. In your 60s, “there is still a lot of life left,” says gerontologist Mary Kay Buysse, executive director of the National Association of Senior Move Managers, a membership organization that helps manage transition trauma and the downsizing and relocation process. “At 88, there’s less of a choice,” she says. “It’s almost always a mandate. The ‘choice’ piece is an important part of the success” of a move.
Guidelines for a Smoother Transition to a Smaller Home
- Recognize your feelings, whatever they are. “Talk to a friend or if that doesn’t work, speak to a counselor,” Small says. The feelings that surface could be some unresolved conflict from your past, he says. Maybe when you were a child your family was constantly moving, and you lost friendships in the process. While downsizing, that unresolved conflict can resurface. “Identify it and understand it.” That “detoxifies” the feeling, he says.
- Focus on what you’ll gain rather than what you’re losing. For example, if you sell your home, and move to an active lifestyle community with an indoor and outdoor pool, pickleball courts, and an art studio, become involved in new activities and interests rather than dwelling on the past.
- While sorting, enlist help from a family member, trusted friend or professional. “They’re more objective,” says Mischoulon. “They don’t have the same sentimental attachment,” and can help you stay focused on the task rather than just the memories and your feelings.
- Start with the least emotional area of your home first. “The kitchen can be a well of emotions,” Buysse says. Leave enough time. “You don’t want to have any regrets,” she says. You want to touch everything. People find money in “all kinds of nooks and crannies” when they sort their possessions, she says.
Though downsizing can bring painful memories to the surface, finishing the task brings its own satisfaction. “The sensation of freedom is quite powerful,” Mischoulon says. “That will be the reward at the end of the road.”
It had to go. My piano, a big, black upright, weathered eight moves, three amateur musicians, one actual copycat and climates ranging from semi-tropical to sub-Arctic. Every mover had to maneuver its bulky fragility through various combinations of layouts, steps, elevators and driveways. A mediocre player still emotionally invested in my “Great Songs of the Sixties” music book, I never questioned the place of the piano in my household, always looking for the right space, an interior wall, a local tuner, a place for the sheet music from Broadway musicals. The piano’s glossy lacquered finish made it an elegant addition to the décor. It was always “there” and we liked it that way.
Until, contemplating an early downsizing campaign, I realized the piano had to go. I was hardly playing it anymore; my daughter plays the bassoon; my husband took lessons but could switch to a digital keyboard. And although there are many other big, bulky and heavy downsize-worthy items in our house, the piano appeared to be the emotional linchpin.
And then I put it off. For all my knowledge of aging at home. for all my love of organizing and tossing things out. this one was hard. It gave me a new appreciation of the hurdles faced by older people. I investigated various sales and donation options. My daughter suggested that her high school music program, from which she is about to graduate, was in dire need of something that could hold a tune. The Music Department said it would be most grateful. It was the right thing to do. And suddenly, I found myself so, so sad.
Luckily, I came across downsizing experts Janet Hulstrand and Linda Hetzer, authors of Moving On: A Practical Guide to Downsizing the Family Home. Maybe they could treat my separation anxiety. The resulting conversation with co-author Hulstrand turned into a three-part look at the feelings, facts and intergenerational concerns pertaining to this common later-in-life transition.
As with so many things, success rests in the emotions.
Hulstrand says they’ve talked to quite a few professionals who say that it is not uncommon for people to postpone moving out of their homes simply because the prospect of dealing with all their accumulated stuff is just too daunting. “It keeps people from moving even when they know that is the best thing for them to do,” she reports.
Then she confirmed my hunch that the piano was more than a piano: “Some items have special sentimental meaning; perhaps they represent unfinished business or an unfulfilled dream of some kind. That can make letting go of certain objects really hard to do.”
Sounding more like a great therapist than downsizing expert, she says if that’s the case, “It might be time to realize that your life went a different way than what you envisioned originally or that you actually never are going to have the time to do x, y, or z. And that’s OK.”
To make it easier to let go, she suggests that people find ways to honor, capture and safeguard the memories. “For many people, it’s not about the objects themselves but rather the memories connected with them,” she says.
Tactics include talking about the memories with family or friends and maybe recording the memories through writing, taking pictures, recording audio/video and so on. That way, says Hulstrand, “The stories that we treasure can be passed down long after the item has gone to a new home.”
Hulstrand further reassures reluctant downsizers that, “Asking yourself why it’s so hard to do and allowing yourself time to acknowledge and deal with the emotions can help resolve those unsettling feelings.”
I wondered about the increasing number of people who say they plan to stay where they are, to have room for a live-in caregiver. Are they cleverly avoiding the work or does that reasoning make sense? Hulstrand says it depends. As the aging-in-place movement gains strength, she finds it another option to consider.
“In this case,” she points out, “to make a home safe and functional for a person who needs live-in care, there might need to be structural or other changes made.” It’s hard to avoid downsizing to some extent; adapting the home might still require the removal of excess furniture and other items.
“These are personal decisions,” she reminds me, “and individuals and their families have to take all kinds of factors into consideration.” Generally, she believes that people should be supported in making decisions that will allow them to live out their lives in the way that will make them happiest.
Hulstrand and co-author Hetzer learned the demands of downsizing when clearing out their late fathers’ longtime homes, filled with three generations of “stuff,” from inherited treasures to toxic household cleaners. Having worked through the process, they know it’s an emotional journey, one they continue to follow in their blog, Downsizing the Home: Lessons Learned. Still, Hulstrand reports that even those who were at first reluctant to leave their homes are happy and relieved once they do so.
“If the people doing the moving are ready to move and are not being pressured, either by others or by a too-rapid timetable, most of the time it ends up being a good thing,” she says. “The main regret that we heard was about having rushed, or been rushed, through the process.”
That suggests an early start and maybe phasing the process over time. Put another way, tears now or tears later. As my piano decision attests, I’m opting for tears now and freedom later.
Indeed, “freedom from the burdens and responsibilities of maintaining a house and yard can be very liberating,” says Hulstrand. She adds that for many people, moving to a place that provides health-care assistance as needed gives “enormous relief both to those who moved and those who care about them.”
Whatever the choice, she says the important message to convey is that downsizing — or “rightsizing” for a more positive spin — can be a joyful thing, the next step forward in someone’s life. So once my piano is in its new home, we can both make a joyful noise.
Next up: Downsizing in practical terms.
Does the thought of downsizing sound depressing or fun? Do you have items that you know you “ought” to shed but find it hard to do? How do you plan to handle the question of “stuff?”
What is Downsizing ?
Downsizing or layoffs is the term used to refer to the practice of firing employees for various reasons in organizations. These reasons can range from poor performance by the employees, the poor performance of the organizations in economic downturns that necessitates laying off employees to save costs, and for disciplinary reasons. There are other reasons as well which include the shuttering or the closing of the organization.
Whatever be the reason, downsizing is a painful process for both the employees and the organization and more for the former. Therefore, the Human Resources Function must handle downsizing with utmost care and caution and with sensitivity.
Payment of Compensation
For instance, when laying off employees, it is usually the case that the organization pays severance packages and some additional pay to compensate the employee for the sudden event or occurrence of losing his or her job. Of course, when employees are laid off for disciplinary reasons, there is usually no severance pay since the employee has violated the code of conduct and hence, is not liable for any compensation. Having said that, it must also be noted that the law mandates payment of compensation in the other forms of downsizing. However, the reality is that very few companies follow the law because in gloomy economic conditions, even the government which is eager to please the businesses does not really enforce the laws.
Policies and Procedures to Handle Downsizing
In addition, when the employee is informed that he or she is going to be laid off, most organizations have set policies and procedures to handle such occurrences. It is usually the case that the employee is called to a meeting with his or her immediate manager and the HR manager along with additional people depending on the rank and the role of the employee. This meeting is usually tricky for both the employee and the other attendees since breaking bad news is painful as well as traumatic for the employee.
Downsizings must be Handled with Care
Therefore, it is indeed the case that downsizings have to be handled with utmost sensitivity wherein the reasons for the layoffs are explained clearly and the employee is given a sympathetic hearing. Moreover, the organization must also take into account the fact that the employee can sue the company if the reasons are not convincing enough.
The history of Corporate America is littered with examples of how the HR botched up the downsizing process which led to the employee(s) taking the organizations to court and in some cases, if the evidence is strong, winning Multi-Million Dollar lawsuits against the organizations for wrongful termination.
Lack of Communication might Lead to Good Employees Leaving as Well
Now, let us see how downsizing can also lead to exceptional employees leaving the company in case the organization does not handle the process well. It is the fact that if layoffs are being announced or there are rumours circulating about them, many employees start to feel jittery and begin looking out for other jobs.
If the organization does not handle layoffs properly, it is at the risk of losing even those who are not likely to be downsized. This is because these employees who are good performers would decide that they would anyway get jobs elsewhere and instead of sticking around in an organization that is on the verge of economic debilitation, they might as well move jobs. Therefore, any organization that is planning to downsize must approach the same in a calculated and careful manner.
Downsizing due to Poor Performance of the Employee(s)
Turning to the downsizing related to poor performance of the employees, it must be mentioned that unless they are given sufficient notice that they have to pull up their socks and ramp up their performance, the organization might not have sufficient grounds for laying them off.
All organizations have something called a performance improvement plan wherein the employees whose performance is suspect are told about the same and their performance put on watch. During this period, they are monitored by their immediate managers along with the HR manager and if they do not improve even after the mandatory watch period is over, they are then let go with the reasons for the same being stated clearly and in writing.
Organizations have to be Humane but Firm
As mentioned in the introduction, downsizing is very painful to the employees since their source of livelihood is being taken away from them. Especially in these gloomy economic times when everyone wants job security and assured income, downsizing can be extremely traumatic to the employees. Therefore, it is indeed the case that a humane approach must be adopted so that the employees do not feel that they have been treated unfairly. Having said that, no organization exists for charity and hence, they too need to be firm on when to downsize and whom to downsize. These are complex challenges that need creative and humane approaches and this is where the personality of the HR manager comes into question since he or she must be responsible and balance the competing needs of the employee and the organization.
As we age, we are often looking to downsize or eliminate clutter and excess. Many of us embrace the concept of living with fewer things to maintain and that tie us down. The reality is that actually releasing our things can be challenging.
When my husband and I decided to sell the house we built and raised our family in, we moved from a four bedroom, three bath, 4000 square foot house to a tiny two bedroom cottage. I knew that with less space I would need to remove more than half of our possessions. At first, getting rid of things was difficult; I liked my things. Out of necessity, however, I learned to let them go.
If you are struggling to get rid of years of accumulation, consider some of the following strategies which worked for me.
The Solution: Sort one small space at a time.
When I was moving, the thought of clearing out every room in the house was overwhelming. The garage and basement alone were mammoth tasks. Remember Klinger on the TV show M*A*S*H? He declared he was going to eat a jeep. How could he accomplish such an impossible task? By taking one small bite at a time.
The same principle works here. Chose one closet or one drawer. Sort, clean and immediately remove unwanted items from your home.
I tried to do one smaller space, such as a box or drawer, each day and one bigger space, such as a closet, each weekend. If you are consistent, you will make progress. The key here is to physically remove the items regularly or you will build up more piles of unwanted things that will sit around until you have to go through those piles again. Every time I left the house I had books to donate to the library or clothing for the shelters or something to drop off at the thrift store.
The Solution: Ask yourself, does this item represent how I wish to show myself to the world now?
Your possessions should enhance your life. Many of our things were perfectly good and maybe even expensive, but wrong for us. Everyone has received gifts that didn’t quite work, ended up with decor that is not their style or been given clothes that don’t represent who they are right now. No matter how well-intentioned, that ultra-modern lamp is never going to be happy in your coastal cottage.
Even if the item is in great shape, if it isn’t useful to you or doesn’t help you feel great about your life, out it goes. Have a yard sale or donate it to a charity you care about. What you will be left with is all the stuff you really love and use. I may have gotten rid of half of my things, but now I love being surrounded by only my favorite things.
The Solution: Be realistic.
This one is tricky. Who knows what you will need someday? I got rid of a pair of crutches. It turned out that I needed them six months later. I bought a new pair for $16.00, hardly the end of the world.
I am also a little embarrassed to admit that I had five coffee carafes. In my new little cottage, I am not likely to have a party large enough to need five coffee carafes. I kept one. If I ever need more, I will borrow them.
Consider the cost in space and money to store excess things you may never need. It is likely the cost of extra square footage or a storage warehouse will far exceed replacing something if you find you really do need it.
Clearing out clothes can be difficult, especially if you are changing your lifestyle, because as your lifestyle changes, your clothing needs will change. Eliminate the clothes that are for a life you don’t have now or know you won’t have in the future. For some of us, it is business suits, for others ski wear.
This also works for clothes you are going to fit into “someday.” If you lose a lot of weight, you are going to want to buy new clothes, not wear your former smaller ones.
Get rid of things that are past their prime, duplicates – I had a closet full of black sweaters – and anything you have never liked, doesn’t look good on you, or isn’t comfortable.
If you struggle with getting rid of clothes, go shopping, not to buy, but just to look at all the great new clothes. Seeing what is available to you in the future will make it easier to get rid your old clothes. There are always better clothes available than the two sizes too small ones you are hanging on to.
The Solution: Give things you care about to people you care about.
I couldn’t take my grandmother’s china to a thrift store. I kept it for years, even though I never used it and couldn’t imagine that I ever would. I didn’t want it to end up in boxes in the basement for my children to have to get rid of someday.
My solution was to give things I cared about to people I cared about. My daughters didn’t want Grandma’s dishes, but my niece did.
This opened the door for me to give away other things. My daughter took my leather furniture; my nephew took my favorite dresser and several tables. I gave most of my large children’s book collection to new teachers. I gave furniture, lamps and rugs to college students who were very grateful. I found I didn’t mind giving away things when I knew they would have a good home.
As for the sentimental keepsakes of childhood, each of my daughters has a large plastic bin with the best of the baby quilts, first photo outfits and special childhood memorabilia. I saved the handmade Christmas ornaments because they were small and easy to store.
If your children’s or grandchildren’s school projects are important to you, take pictures and let them go. I will proudly hang children’s artwork on the refrigerator, but I don’t need to keep it forever. I think of it as a revolving gallery. If you ask them, you will find that most adults do not want the salt flour map they made in fifth grade.
Now that the dust has settled, I have found that I really don’t miss the things I left behind. A little breathing space, it turns out, is good for the soul. I am conscious of the things I add to my home, and living with less has made me desire fewer things in my life.
What about you? What are your struggles with downsizing? Have you mastered the art of eliminating things? How have you dealt with the sentimental and childhood items? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
It is inevitable. One way or another, you’re going to downsize. It is part of letting go and moving on. Some even do it more than once! Downsizing is a physical, emotional, and mental act. Sometimes it is even a financial act. Because downsizing effects so many parts of life, it can feel intimidating or even daunting but with a little preparation it can be both a fluid, and perhaps even an enjoyable, process.
In a 2018 article published on Investopedia, Tim Parker notes, “As a retiree, you hope to be able to make some choices about how you live that don’t center on money. If you love your home and all the memories it holds, you might stay even if it makes little financial sense. Why? Because you can.”
Is A Tiny Home Right For Me?
How do you know if you should sell? Crunch the numbers. Calculate the upfront costs of moving and compare them to the yearly savings you’ll realize.” Whatever the case, be it for transitioning into empty nesting, becoming a better parent to adult children, learning to live with less, or just downsizing for a smaller, more manageable home, there are tips, tricks, experts, and resources that can help.
The first step is simple recognition. I need to downsize!
The second step, and sometimes the most challenging, is preparing emotionally. A home is filled with memories – both good and bad – and those memories are typically attached to tangible items. Emotional downsizing can be a major transition that happens way before one item is packed in a box or donated to charity.
Tammy Strobel is a long-standing blogger and author who speaks up for having bravery in the process of downsizing and living more simply. Says Tammy, “In many ways, being brave is more expansive than the traditional definition. Particularly, when dealing with heavy emotions. Bravery can mean reconnecting with a person who hurt you in the past or saying, “I love you” instead of being critical.” Here are a few more solutions for managing the more sentimental parts of downsizing.
- Research ways to save memories through technology. Forever.com is a digital preservation company that offers to maintain your photos for hundreds of years so they can be passed on through generations. Your paid permanent content will be available for your lifetime plus 100 years.
- If your children live nearby or they come for a visit, use the time to have a candid conversation asking them what they would like to have from your home.
- Make a “keepsake box” for each of your children, filled with a few items you cherish the most. You can even jot down a story about each item to better explain the object.
